I just finished my first 1000 calorie workout on the elliptical machine in Purdue's gym.  I feel very proud of myself, but I also thought my feet were going to fall off by the end.  All in all the workout took 1 hour and 2 minutes. 

(This is just a personal victory for me.  I have never accomplished such a feat before.)


...and now back to transcribing my Kid interviews for my major professor's $1.5 million NIH grant.  I think sometimes that all I do is transcribe.  At least I'm getting good at it.  :)

Is that it never really ends. I quit smoking 3 years ago, but I picked it back up a year and a half ago. Then I quit eight months ago, and stayed away until about 3 months ago. I have now been without any nicotine since Friday morning, around 1 AM.

I am shaky, uncoordinated, my head is hazy, I have trouble remembering what I was supposed to be doing, thoughts are jumbled like a train wreck in my head, there are the headaches, the night sweats, the fevers, the difficulty breathing, the coughing, the bad taste in my mouth, the nightmares, and the extreme irritability. And those are just the symptoms I'm comfortable talking about.

I tire of this circular pattern of quitting and starting and quitting and starting again. Let's hope this time is successful for at least a decent amount of time.

Is walking down the hallways of my department, where I was once known as a spectacular failure, and now I am known as the Comeback Kid.

Yesterday in my defense, there were only two questions asked of me about my Preliminary exams...and I have been told time and again that I nailed them both. We spent my entire defense laughing, joking, and talking about what should be added to my Dissertation.

Actually, here's a quick breakdown:

I walked into the room, and we dialed Rebecca (the 4th committee member, as she is in North Carolina). She picked up the phone, introduced herself, and joked about torturing me. Then everyone laughed and I was kicked out so the committee could confer with one another. A close friend of mine, Megan, stood with me while I waited for 25! minutes while the committee talked about me in a closed session. I could hear laughter halfway down the hallway, so I assumed things were going well. Usually a long conference means a student is about to fail, but not in my case.

When they invited me back in, I sat down to a smiling committee (and a speaker phone) and was told immediately that I had passed. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I kept it cool. I was told that there were a couple of questions I would need to answer on my Prelims before we could move onto the dissertation proposal. I took Herman out of my pocket (my avatar), and placed him on the table. The entire committee found this to be adorable when I explained that he was my secret weapon.

I read my pre-planned introduction, I answered their questions (of which there were only two or three--and I ROCKED them), and then we moved on to discussing the proposal. The whole defense took an hour and 45 minutes, but it was lighthearted, enjoyable, and awesome! My major professor told me after it was all over that this was exactly what she had hoped for, but it went even better than she had expected. In fact, each of my committee members has come up to me today and explained that i was simply amazing in the defense.

When all was said and done, I did a perfect cartwheel in the hallway outside of my major professor's office. There is little to say except that I did what I promised I would do...and now I have 7 days of vacation before I have to return to my Dissertation work.

Go me!

I am walking to school in the dark, facing moments of maniacal laughter, tears, panic, dread, and panic.

The only thing left to do is finish everything having to do with the citations, and put these three documents into one.

I am almost there, so why did I have a panic attack from 4-5:30 today? Right now bile rises in my thoat, threatening to choke me. The shaking in my arms makes me feel like a Jell-o salad.

Then there's the sweating, a representation of my full-body tears.

I hate this process, even though I think my major professor did an excellent job guiding and preparing me. Further, her questions were difficult, but incredible.

There is little I can do now, but read each question, make sure there are no holes where citations should be, and turn the Prelim into the department secretary...and allow these 22 pages to determine my future...