Today was my last session with my counselor. She is moving on in a week, and hopefully, so am I. We talked about the past ten months and what I've accomplished/learned, and I do feel a true sense of satisfaction. In the time I have been talking to her, I worked out my fears about returning to Purdue after a year-long hiatus, my Prelim fears, motivation issues, dealing with the members of my department who were less than pleased to see me again, and new ways of dealing with public humiliation and disdain.

Throughout this process, I learned how to deal with individuals I feel have slighted me, as well as those who simply do not like me. New methods of responding to sarcastic/angry remarks are currently employed, by me, on a daily basis. I hope that these lessons do not fade with time. Further, I learned that my offhand remarks are a maladaptive strategy for coping with others who do not especially like me.

Overall, I have made massive gains in dealing with issues on my own, looking for internal justifications for my successes and failures, in an attempt to improve myself on a fundamental level. I am grateful for everything I have learned, and I am a bit sad to see this relationship end, but I must begin to take action on my own, rather than relying on others to catch me every time I fall and receive a slight bump. These past ten months have been extremely difficult, but now I must stand taller, roll with harder punches, and turn to my friends when I need support. I can no longer rely on counseling to "fix" my daily anxieties.

I look to the future with hope that I may continue on this path, and that any obstacles I encounter will be dealt with as they approach; rather than knocking me off my feet. This is the only way I will be able to continue to grow into the man I am supposed to be.

Today I went to have my cholesterol/blood pressure/glucose levels checked at Purdue--you know, since my doctor will not honor my wishes.

The glucose levels were fine (I blame lunch for that), my cholesterol levels are "amazing," and my blood pressure is at hypertension level 1. Not good, I know. I checked it 10 times today--all to no avail. My ambient blood pressure is way too high.

To top it off, D.C. Seems to need me more than ever of late, and I received a text from my mother saying that she had just been released from the hospital.

Like any good son, I called my mother and asked what happened. Apparently she was having chest pains and after 12 hours, she went to Urgent Care. They told her she might be having a heart attack and sent her to the hospital. Her EEGs were troublesome so she was kept in the Intensive Heart Care Unit for 2 days and then told that they weren't sure what was wrong with her. To top it off, she had a mammogram on Friday and they found a lump. Since she already had ovarian cancer, they were worried. Now she must have a new battery of tests this week to determine the next steps.

Oh and my counselor is quitting in early July.

Fuck my life. Seriously.

Today my counselor and I uncovered a great deal of rage--rage at myself for not being in a better position right now, rage at my immaturity, rage at my inability to get my ass in gear, etc.

She asked me about what this rage looks like and I told her: "My rage is a boiling pit of black oil that sends putrid waves of ash and oil throughout my entire life, coating my happiness in a filthy, oily tarnish." I was not trying to be overly dramatic, but this is exactly how I feel.

I also told her that for me, taking medication would be a crutch, and that I want to DEAL with this stuff...

*sigh*

I am trying my damnedest to become a complete person.

I know my blog has been really boring of late--I vow to change that soon enough. Let's go for next Thursday, after I become a PhD candidate!

Speaking of PhD's, Jorge Cham, creator of Piled Higher and Deeper comics is coming to Purdue on Friday the 20th to lecture on procrastination. Oh I will be there! Who cares if it is a Friday night? There will be a book signing after the lecture. WHEEEEEE!

Also, I am going to see Robert Kennedy Jr. speak on environmentalism the day before Jorge Cham.

I guess now would be a good time to mention I will be seeing The Vagina Monologues tomorrow night.

Then there's the Trader Joe's run on Saturday afternoon.

Oh and I'm pet sitting this weekend for my major professor.

(I try to keep busy and semi-intellectual.)

So...other things?

I guess I could mention that in counseling the other day I figured out a deep-seated issue that has had a lasting negative impact on my life. It all started when I called my mother to tell her my major professor called my Prelims a "home run." My mother's exact response to my statement was, "My computer came in the mail today."

I was hurt, because I worked HARD to make it to where I am--only to be dismissed by my mother. This is a common trend in our relationship, and has been a continuing theme ever since I can remember. However, I do not want to be one of those people who blames his parents for everything. That is why I am focusing on me right now. I have developed a SEVERE aversion to being complimented. I tend to immediately downplay any positive feedback received from my peers. This trend has taken away my ability to believe in myself. It is true that I have zero self esteem and my everyday confidence rating is often in the negatives. I never have confidence in my work; and this affects every facet of my life. When I discussed this with my major professor, she told me that every time she tells me I did something well, my immediate response is, "Yeah, but...." I then follow up her compliment with a self-debasing statement.

When I discussed this in counseling, I realized that I am almost as afraid of success in my Prelims as I am in failing them. I truly believe that I have to get over this shit right now. I need to find a way to believe in myself and to not seek compliments or accolades from my mother.

So yeah, I have a bit of work to do here. How does one develop self-confidence when this is a foreign emotion? I do not see an easy out here--nor do I see a way to stop the physical pain my impending success has caused me.

Yes I said my success is causing me physical pain. Every night between 3:30 and 6:00 AM, I have awoken to a massive panic attack, feeling a sense of impending doom regarding my impending success. I don't know how to handle success. All I know is that once I succeed, I will become a stranger in a strange land. I have no idea where to go from there; nor do I know how to get to the inevitable "there."

In addition to the panic attacks, I have been suffering intense physical stomach pain of late. When it hits, I drop to a knee, feeling as if I have just been stabbed. There is little I can do as of right now, although going to see a doctor has been suggested. I should do that, but my oral defense must take precedence over fleeting slight physical discomforts. I experienced a "pain ball" as I have been calling them during my defense today. The whole room erupted in a panic, but I did not fall out of my chair...thankfully. I assume I am developing an ulcer, but I cannot be sure right now.

Oh shit, I have to work on my lecture for tomorrow! Oh well, if I wake up at 7, I can be at school by 7:45. Then it is just a matter of finishing 6-7 power point slides and I can move on with my life. Of course, then I have 166 papers to grade over the weekend. Stupid Film reactions to The Breakfast Club and domestic violence video reactions. Sometimes I forget just how much extra work I create for myself.

A month or so ago my counselor and I were discussing a rather horrendous case of Writer's Block, when I suggested that maybe I should make a list of how my writing has improved since two years ago when I had a terrible experience with my Prelims. She thought it was a good idea, and I set myself to work. What came out of my musings is a set of empirical truths regarding my writing. Each time I sit down to write, I read through the list before I begin. I have a set of these truths hanging in front of the computer in the office, I have them saved on every computer I use, and I even have a set of them in my wallet. Tonight I feared I could write nothing that made sense, but I read through the list twice, thought of examples of each of these truths, and I entered the writing zone. I decided to post hem, because even thought they remind me slightly of Stewart Smalley's Daily Affirmations, they have been sheer academic gold for me.

So without further ado, I present ten truths about my writing:


My Writing Is:
1) Clearer
2) More Succinct
3) More Academic
4) Purposive
5) Improved
6) Cleaner
7) More Confident
8) Intelligent
9) More Accurate
10) NOT the same writing it was two years ago!

Today in my counseling session we discussed my inability to write my 8 paragraphs on mothers and the social support provided by their adult children.

As it turns out, I am not not only slightly afraid of failure, but also living up to the work I've turned in recently. If I avoid the work, I'll never disappoint myself or my major professor.

So I decided to write out some daily affirmations regarding the strength of my writing now (as opposed to my writing 2 years ago) and I am supposed to place the list at eye level at all times to prevent me from using negative self-thoughts to motivate myselfm. (This was my idea.)

Tonight I prepared almost 70% of everything I will need to tackle the paragraphs. I have 4 articles to read yet, and I need more information on history of support...but then I should be good to go.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

So firstly I need to apologize...I have not been around on LJ as much as I should have been this past week...and I felt the effects. There are a million things on my mind right now, but there is no way I can cover them all presently.

I have a 2-3 page section of my Dissertation proposal due to my major professor this Friday...I have nothing written. I hope tomorrow is a productive day. Sometimes I feel as if my Dissertation is a roller coaster ride stuck in perpetual motion. I crest the top of a humongous drop and then I freeze. The part of the ride that is supposed to be a downhill coast does not seem to come. I read the research, I thought about my topic, I sit down to write and I feel white noise where my brain was once located. This is the opposite of being "productive."

In other news: I am lonely. Don't get me wrong, I have friends here...and they surround me like a warm blanket on a cold winter's night...but they do not provide me with the warmth that I need. I really want to have someone with whom I am closer than any of my other friends. Right now this seems not only implausible, but impossible. Although I have met many women since I returned to Purdue; none of them are what I currently need. I need someone who cares about the benign events of my day. I need someone with whom I feel no need to censor my true feelings. I need someone who actually loves me for who I am. Before I become too whiny and self-absorbed, I will leave this topic. Had I not had a few beers tonight, I would likely not have even considered posting this.

Finally, I am doing well in many other aspects of my life right now. I have made some fundamental personality changes which have been of great benefit to me. I no longer blame external factors for my successes or failures; instead I take full credit for who I am and where I am situated in life. I refuse to join in the graduate student bashing game...I do not speak poorly of others; even if they have hurt me in the past. I have made some fundamental changes in who I am as a person...and most of the time it feels good.

Ok I lied. This is my final piece: Becoming who I am supposed to be is a difficult process. I have those around me who wish to drag me back into the murky waters of self-deprecation and anger. Sometimes I fail at being "new and shiny," and this causes me distress. I want to wake up at 7:00 AM each and every day; welcoming the new experiences before me, but in reality I feel the old patterns on the horizon. Counseling is supposed to help me solidify the new me, but it does not always work that way. I am on a journey that is mine and mine alone...and sometimes I sneak a glance over my shoulder...and I see the old me. This process is difficult, so please bear with me. I hope to one day fully become the amazing man that I feel is buried somewhere within my core.

Today I took a leap of faith, ending up in the arms of another graduate student.

Maybe I should explain that a bit better.  

I went to my first counseling session at Purdue today.  No one should worry about me or anything; I am simply going to a professional who can help me solidify my new outlook on life, as well as cement the positive changes I have made over the past year or so.  In short, I want to continue to take credit for my own successes and failures; rather than blaming them idly on outside forces (I want to move my locus of control to "internal" as opposed to "external.").  Further, I would like to bury the old me who relied on self-deprecating behaviors, a tendency for extreme levels of exaggeration, and enjoyed talking trash about those whom he assumed disliked him.

Lucky for me, I am not seeing a full-fledged counselor, but rather a graduate student (who is likely 4-5 years younger than me), who is taping our sessions to further her own career.  Now before I sound too harsh, I am not a suicide risk; nor am I a violent person or a drug abuser, so I do not feel the need to see someone who has been in the field for a decade or more.  Not to mention, I was not completely turned off during the session today.  The video recording was slightly annoying, as I do not like knowing that I exist on video, but my counselor was extremely attentive and she seemed interested in speaking with me.

I was upfront with her regarding my dislike of counseling in general, but I am going to try very hard to be open and communicative in our sessions.  I feel decent about our meeting, but we will have to see how things go after another session to two...