I've been here too long, and I need to go outside.  I feel as if I am almost well enough to go back to school, but I am following instructions and staying inside until I am completely well.  I've heard from a few friends, but I am bored as shit.  There's no other way to put it.  Maybe later I'll try to sneak away and go to Target or something...

Today I was urged to go to the doctor (by my major professor) because I told her I was still feeling pretty crappy.  I went to the student health center, and after waiting an hour and a half, they told me they couldn't help me.  I was told to go to the ER, which was not what I wanted to hear.   But since I care about my health and all that, I went to the ER, where I endured about 4.5 hours of examinations.  I had X-rays, seven vials of blood drawn, my vitals taken three times, along with an EKG.  At the end of the night, they told me that all signs of bronchitis are gone, but since I still feel exhausted and cannot breathe well, I must still be sick.  (Honestly is this what I'm paying them for?)  The final verdict was that they have no idea what is wrong with me, but I should spend 3-4 days resting and doing nothing. 

I'm glad I'm not dying, but what is the deal with doctors never being able to give me a straight answer when I'm sick?  I'm sure this will be another $1000-$1200 expenditure.

I ended up going to urgent care today because I feel worse than I have at any other time in this current "sickness" business.  I had my blood oxygen levels checked, a chest x-ray taken, and as it turns out, they do not think I have pneumonia...but they can't tell me what's going on.  This seems to be a common trend with doctors. 

So now I have to take an oral steroid, on top of my Z-Pack, and my albuterol inhaler.  Overall, this seems to me like a huge waste of my time.  I cannot even count the number of pills I take each day.  I hope to get better soon, as I've been told to not really work again this weekend.  After not working for days on end, I have realized that I cannot possibly catch up on my transcribing--as I was doing as much as I could before I became sick.

*sigh*

I went to the doctor today to have a checkup about my new medication.  She heard me cough and asked if she could check out my airway.  I've had a severe cough for 2 days now, but I always get one int he Fall and it doesn't end until the first killing frost.  As it turns out, I have a severe case of asthmatic bronchitis, and I might have had asthma for years.  Now I'm on a Z-Pack and an Albuterol inhaler, and I've been quarantined for the next 48 hours.  I guess there's a bright side to all of this--I'm not able to do any work due to the confidential nature of the interviews I'm transcribing, so I have a free pass to watch movies and TV for the next two days.  I picked up Season 5 of Family Guy, so at least I have something to keep me company.

So I'm narcoleptic.  I knew it, and my doctor confirmed it.  Well, to be honest, she gave me a "high probability of being narcoleptic, based upon my medical history and my current symptoms."  I am on an expensive medication for this (Provigil--it's like $800 per month--thank God I have student insurance, as I only pay $40), but I am so excited because I get to take speed.  This drug is similar to Adderall, but it works on depression, narcolepsy, helping one to remain focused, and it is supposed to be a mood lifter.   As someone who doesn't do drugs, I find prescriptions for amphetamines an interesting opportunity to live on the wild side for a bit.  Thus far, the wild side has involved headaches, nausea, twitchiness, an inability to concentrate, and that's about it.  So much for the awesomeness of speed, eh?

This is only day one, so who knows where we'll be in a few more.  The sad part is, I am exhausted as Hell right now...again...

 

Recently I had a friend describe the symptoms of narcolepsy to me, and they sounded more than vaguely familiar.  Excessive daytime drowsiness is a quite familiar symptom.  When I conducted a bit of research, I found that oddly enough rapidly entering REM sleep was another potential symptom.  I might enter a dreaming state within a few minutes of falling asleep--although I may still be somewhat awake during the REM sleep.  At this point I cannot tell what is real and what is the dream.  I often find myself talking out loud while awake and dreaming.  In addition, I also have periods of nighttime wakefullness in which I have an extremely elevated heart rate and intense alertness at, say, 3 AM,  AM, 5 AM, etc.  I also have periods of microsleep, usually while I am in the middle of an activity.  When I come to, I feel as if I am waking from a night of sleep and I am unsure of what I had been doing only moments ago. 

I guess I should make a Doctor's appointment, but I had no idea that all of these symptoms might actually be linked to something.  My thyroid functions are all well within normal range, and I do exercise and eat fairly balanced meals.  So yeah, maybe I'm a hypochondriac, or maybe not.

...one that won't make me sick. Sadly Lamictal is not it. For the past two days, I have been in a constant state of nausea, with some rather nasty side-effects. As it is, I am hoping these go away soon, as I need to focus on my work, not the churning in my stomach. Were I 15 again, I would appreciate the constant need to belch (I used to be able to do the entire alphabet and count to 10 in a single belch). The other side effects are not as pleasant, let me tell you. I do hope I avoid the potential boils on my flesh...so far so good in that respect. Of course I have been pretty hyper these past couple of days...I thought mood levelers were supposed to suppress the mania, not bring it out to play.

Either way, I am feeling better. Let's just hope the physical effects fade soon.

Sorry I've been MIA for a week. I spent the entire time struggling to cover for two people in our lab who were out for the week, working on my dissertation, and preparing the first drafts of my research statement, my teaching philosophy, my (newest) vita, and my generic letter of application for an all-day job market seminar yesterday. Six graduate students, all of whom are going out on the market this fall met for an entire day with my major professor, to tear our documents apart and rebuild them piece by piece.

Sounds fun, right? Actually the workshop was quite informative, considering none of the graduate professors take the time to actually explain the process of actually applying for jobs. Thankfully my major professor decided that it was time to help out all students who are on the market this coming year. My materials went over well with the other graduate students, but my major professor ran out of time to re-work the letters of her two students int he workshop. I don't mind--she'll get to my letters in the near future. I was just a little disappointed considering I canceled two trips (one home and one to see friends) to feverishly work on my materials--which we then ran out of time to cover. Not to mention the stress of the past week nearly killed me. I did not sleep more than two hours on Sunday night, causing me to become ill--and sleep 16 hours on Monday. Thankfully I did not completely succumb to the illness.

So yeah, nights filled with panic attacks, random illness, stress, and work have been my life this past week. I hope you all fared better.

But now it is all over, and I feel relieved. Now I just have to return to my normal hectic life. Woooo!

I graded 83 film reactions today. Now I feel as though I am getting sick...at least it is only a cold. Now I just have to write a lecture for tomorrow. Yay me!

I received an e-mail this evening, inviting me to join my major professor's PAID research interns this summer. I have worked with her since she arrived at Purdue, and she has never asked me to join the actual "researchers," due to my interest in teaching. According to the e-mail, she spoke with the others, and they believe that I would be an important addition to the staff of transcribers who work on NIH-funded research involving adult children and their relationships with their parents.

I will only be working 10 hours a week during the summer, but I already paid my rent for the summer, so I should be able to make things work out. I will be far from rich, but I believe that this opportunity is one I cannot afford to pass up. Experience in working with quantitative and qualitative data are important, as is the line on my vita--so I accepted the offer. Now I just need to pass those pesky Prelims.

Things are looking up, though. I am feeling somewhat better right now, and I feel ready to dedicate myself to the task at hand.

Be well all!

Yep this is one of those stress-related colds that usually takes me down 10-12 pegs for about a week or a week and a half. Why the FUCK couldn't this shit wait another week? If I am not at my best for my Prelims I'm going to...I don't know...I've never even considered what would happen if I was ill while trying to prove that I am an expert in intergenerational relations.

Fuck!!!!!

Finished the proposal, wrote my lectutre for this week, and now I've been taken down by illness. During my lecture today I became disoriented, drowsy, faint, and confused. Then the cold sweats began. Now I am home, cursing my life. I need to bed well.

In the words of the great Jesse Ventura, "Ain't got time to bleed" (Predator 1987).

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

Well, off to bed I guess.

So I'm getting back into the swing of things. My illness is slowly melting away; leaving behind a few tattered remnants, such as a cough and a general exhaustion. The good news is that I feel much better, and my ability to think clearly is rapidly returning.

I'm also looking forward to finishing my current project; which is to go through all of my articles and look for percentages of moms and dads who accept help with tasks around the house (instrumental support) or advice (expressive support), and then to compare these percentages. I may finish this task at some point tonight. I have about 25 articles left to go through.

Today I was a good ex-boy scout, and I fulfilled my good deed requirement. My office mate found a satchel on the ground that held six jump drives, but he did not get a clear view of the guy who dropped them. Dan had to run off to teach his night class, so I searched through the files, found a name, identified the graduate student, and e-mailed him to let him know I had his jump drives. As it turns out, I had his entire Dissertation in my hands...and he had neglected to back it up since October of this year. He was extremely grateful and he forced me to take $20 for my work. I just did what I hoped anyone in my situation would do, given the circumstances. I have to admit, though, it felt good to return his lectures, Dissertation, academic papers, and presentations. Today I made a difference. :)

Oh and about my departmental crush: she showed up in my office today, just to talk about teaching, class, and life. I guess this was her monthly visit (don't get me wrong; I look forward to these monthly visits). She told me all about teaching at the local junior college, her current classes, and then she talked about dinner...

oh shit.

I think she wanted me to go to dinner with her.

I'm either one of the densest men on Earth; or she presented me with a vague offer to see if I would ask her if she would like company.

Well, I guess I just showed her how hard-headed I am...or else I just played hard-to-get.

I can't think about this right now; I need to get back to work.

The posting of this dream is not something I had meant to put off, but life got in the way. Now it seems I will be unable to fall asleep until I tell the tale of one of the most frightening zombie dreams I have ever had.

This dream began with me walking into my old college dorm at Eastern Illinois University. Apparently it was move-in day, and my room was massive! There were at least four actual rooms in my room; all connected by doors. Oddly enough, the previous occupants had not moved anything out of the room. As I searched through the desks, dressers, and cabinets, I found a collection of zombie-related pornography. I was more than slightly disgusted, but what really bothered me was that these movies were on VHS. As I looked around the room, everything appeared to be from the 1980's or the early 1990's.

Right away I knew what had happened to me: I was trapped in an alternate universe. Whenever knowledge of this sort come to me in a dream, I know that nothing will prepare me for what is inevitably just around the corner. As I was pondering where I was and how I'd ended up there, a woman came into my room and sat down as though she owned the place. This woman had a pallid complexion, and the flesh on her face appeared to be too small to cover the area fully, as it was taught and leathery. I shrugged it off, and continued to search for clues as to why the previous occupants had left everything in the room when they left. She began laughing and speaking in riddles I did not understand...which creeped me out. She asked me how I liked being dead and what I thought of sharing the room with others like me. I had no answers for her, so I smiled nd nodded.

I left the woman, and headed for the cafeteria (which was honestly the cafeteria from my middle school...the exact one!). When I arrived, the stench of the room caused me to retch (even in a dream)...the stench of death was everywhere. The room was filled with people I recognized, but they did not look the same. Their faces were torn, bitten, chewed...their clothes were bloody and ragged...they were zombies. Every single person in the cafeteria was a zombie. A few of them appeared to have died quite recently, as they showed no signs of advanced decomposition. All intact eyes were on me as I entered the cafeteria.

The realization that I was the last living man on Earth set in quite slowly. Everywhere I looked, the dead walked, talked, and apparently ate what was left of the living (or so it seemed from the looks of the "meat" on the cafeteria trays). I never wondered why I was alive, rather I was focused on how I could stay that way.

Somehow I made it out of the cafeteria without incident, but then a zombie (who looked like a fiend I have in real life), told me we were going for a ride as he motioned to his truck. I got in, and we started driving through town. The dead were everywhere; going about their daily business just like the living normally would...except that these creatures were decidedly NOT living.

My "friend" and I talked about how great death was, about dead chicks he wanted to bang, and I was pulling off this whole, "being dead thing" until I sighed. His head snapped towards me, and he said, "You do know dead people don't breathe, right?"

I was paralyzed with fear, but I just nodded and said, "Yep," playing off my sigh as if it was no big deal. My friend wasn't buying it, so he offered me a human foot. "Eat up," he said. Apparently if I was going to survive, I would have to eat a human foot. I took a huge bite of the heel, and chewed; choking the flesh down and fighting the rise of the bile from my gut. He watched as I took a few more bites, chewed the flesh, and swallowed. How I kept from throwing up is a mystery to me.

At the end of the ride, we ended up in a burned out school. Zombies were milling around, and I met some more of my "friends," who all asked me how I kept my decomposition so well hidden. I told them I died of a heart attack, which bought me a little time...but the questions about moisturizing and such just kept pouring in on me. I felt my temperature rise, and I knew that soon I'd be sweating. I took three of the zombies who were dead versions of my best friends in real life aside and I explained to them that I was not actually dead. Their eyes widened, and they asked me how it was that their dead friend was actually the last living person on Earth. It soon became apparent that somehow I was trapped in an alternate universe, while the dead alternate-universe version of me wrecked havoc in my original universe.

Although my zombified friends tried to hide me, one of the other zombies realized I was alive (he noticed sweat on my brow), and within moments every zombie within earshot was after me. As the mob threw my friends aside, I felt their cold, shredded hands grasping me; saw their cold, cloudy eyes staring me down; and felt their dull, stained teeth tearing at my flesh...

I awoke covered in sweat, choking on a scream, and flailing as though I were drowning, completely wrapped up in my bedsheets.



Through this dream, I witnessed the true power of my unconscious fears and desires via their nocturnal manifestations. I fully admit there is truly a dark side to humanity; a place where all taboo actions are possible, even encouraged. Sometimes at night I tap into this darkness. Here, in my dreams, repressed feelings becomes a gaping maw; threatening to devour me. The unholy trifecta of guilt, anxiety and morality form a beast, which haunts my slumber, stalking from dream to dream, hoping to catch me unaware. On nights when this beast catches me off guard, I pay for every nervous thought that has ever crossed my mind...

I am heading to bed in a few minutes, but I just thought I would let you all know that I am almost over my illness. Today I finished very little "actual" work, but I did go to the dentist for a cleaning. My teeth are healthy and strong; which is good. The impetus for this sudden trip came the other day when I thought my gum line was receding. Lucky for me, I was mistaken.

I also had an hour and a half meeting with my major professor today at a coffee shop, where we discussed the weaknesses of my writing, future directions for the proposal, and the plans for my next couple of years in the foundering job market that is academia. The basic idea is that I will try to achieve a couple of awards between now and when I finish, and hopefully I will end up looking better than other candidates. Oh, we also held a mini-oral defense today...and I did fairly well. My major professor and I set up eye signals for my defense. If her eyes seem to be smiling, I keep talking. If her eyes seem to be screaming, I immediately stop talking.

All in all, not a totally wasted day. Still, I have two research papers to grade tomorrow before class, a letter of recommendation to write for a student, and quite a bit of work on my proposal.

Oddly enough, I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

I was told to go home and to go back to bed by everyone who encountered me in the hallway this morning. I listened to them, seeing as I still feel horrible today. The vertigo adds an element of fun/syrprise to my life, but the other symptoms are simply no fun.

Oh I will need to post my dream from last night before too long...my cough medicine might actually be a hallucinogen.

I slept away most of this weekend, in an attempt to get over my Hellacious cold. So far, my attempts seem to have been beneficial, but tomorrow is another day on campus. Another day filled with the stress and uncertanty that plagues the life of a graduate student. I'm in a good mood, but I am exhausted and I recenly took a spoonful of liquid gold...the cough medicine that causes me to wake up hungover. We'll see how that manifests tomorrow. (Hopefully not like an angry dwarf with a baseball bat.)

I have four research papers left to grade before my class at 10:30. The ones I graded tonight were sub-par at best, riddled with conjecture, non-scientific sources, and horrible grammar. The last three papers are truly not good, and I know this because they are the ones I cast aside, hoping that they would grade themselves. Sadly they would not cooperate, and now I am left to grade them myself.

I also have quite a lot of work to wade through this week. My proposal came back to me, edited by my major professor (she took 18 pages and made it 10 pages). We discussed the edits, and she told me that the proposal was one of the best things I have ever written for her (possibly the best) but she wants me to do better. Hell, I want to do better. Tomorrow I return to work on the proposal.

I am still alive. After surviving a post-surgery mother, the return of my mystery virus from last month, cooking Thanksgiving dinner for 10 (well most of it, anyway), Black Friday deals, seeing Denny and his family (which was good, I might add), running into the first girl who truly broke my heart, and having an impromptu hour and a half Dissertation meeting tonight with my major professor via telephone, I oddly just don't have much to say tonight. Check back tomorrow.

Sorry Mario, but your interesting blog is in another castle.

I took the weekend off (again) to recover from a nasty sinus infection. Thus far a full recovery seems possible by tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest. I'm getting sick more often than ever before in my life; so I believe it is time for me to change a few more parts of my life. I'm going to start working out with some regularity again; trying to remember to drink more water; and hoping I can remember to take my vitamins.

So yeah. I hope you are all well. I need to catch up (again) with all of my LJ friends...and I will do that...soon, I hope.

Well folks, the jury is currently deliberating, but it looks like I'm coming down with another cold. This kinda sucks.